What Is Meaningful Self-Care?

We’ve all heard the platitudes about taking a bath, or taking a vacation. Those tidbits of advice are sometimes helpful, but they are obvious and they are not meaningful self-care. So what makes self-care meaningful?

I think the first thing to recognize is that self-care is very personal, no two people will recharge the same way. A very simple example is that an introvert will replenish themselves by spending time alone, while an extravert will recharge with social interaction. However, there are some things that are just essential to taking care of yourself. I go through these below.

1. Make sure you know your limits and stick to them. This requires some introspection and some real honesty. We all struggle with the constant existential anxiety of life passing us by and feeling like we didn’t do enough. However, if we are constantly doing things, we never get a chance to enjoy what we have done! It’s really important to ask yourself the tough questions, what is my actual capacity? Am I doing this for approval? Can I do what I want to do and still feel good? Journaling can really help with this process of self-discovery. You can look back over time and learn when you were coping best. Us moms are particularly bad at this, our anxieties get transferred to our kids and we begin over scheduling and over parenting in an attempt to alleviate our own existential fears. If this speaks to you, but you feel intimidated, just remember that it’s ok to be imperfect at this. We all do it at times.

2. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries is not selfish! It’s important. It ensures you have the energy to do what matters to you and enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard to build. You have every right to say no. Setting boundaries is tough, but once we get to understand ourselves a bit better (see #1 above), we can learn to set boundaries that feel good and do it with love. The people around you will not necessarily like it at first, but they will learn to shore up their own strength. And that my friend is the greatest gift you can give! But setting boundaries also applies to yourself. Don’t get trapped in the cycle of overwork and then exhaustion. This goes back to #1, know your limits and respect them.

3. Don’t amputate your feelings! This one might be the most important. When you feel hurt, or sad or grief, don’t stop it. Feel it. Trust me, it will pass. Why? This is how you start to actively develop a sense of self. How can you know your limits if you don’t let yourself feel angry / crappy / sad? If you amputate your inconvenient feelings, you literally cut yourself off from your most important feedback loop. I have a post on how we build emotional tolerance. See here.

On top of this, meditation can help reveal underlying thought patterns that keep us trapped in anxiety. Meditation is also hella relaxing and just plain feels good. However, I don’t think it’s the most important part of self-care. I think it’s a valuable adjunct when used responsibly, not as an escape (see my post here on the dark side of mindfulness). Meditation may not be your jam, and that’s ok too. Things like socializing with a good friend, hugging loved ones, and engaging in hobbies that keep you mindful can have similar effects on your physiology.

Now you might be asking yourself if I’ve forgotten exercise and diet. Exercise and eating well are important to your health. You are an animal and all animals need movement and nutrition to live. This is like brushing your teeth or having a shower, it’s basic human health, not meaningful self-care. I think of exercise and good food as being like gas in the car. You simply can’t function without them. If I were to liken meaningful self-care to taking care of a car, I would say it’s like ensuring you’re not habitually over-accelerating and then riding the breaks. I like to think of meaningful self care as

managing the day to day emotional wear and tear.

I really hope this blog can help you find ways to take care of yourself. If you found it helpful, give it a share or spread the word to someone you care about.